May 30, 2025 | Silicon Valley, CA— In a bold and slightly confusing move, Discord Inc. announced today that it is preparing for its long-anticipated Initial Public Offering(IPO) by completely muting all users, deleting popular servers, and temporarily shutting down the platform — a strategy CEO Jason Citron described as “just vibing with the market.”

“We wanted to make sure investors really understand the core of Discord: chaos, confusion, and the occasional anime gif,” said Citron during a press conference delivered via a Zoom call due to Discord being “down for vibe maintenance.” “To ensure a smooth IPO, we’re removing the one thing that could possibly go wrong: our users.”

Wall Street executives excited to deliver more shareholder value when Discord finally releases its IPO.

In the weeks leading up to the IPO, Discord has taken strategic steps to streamline operations for Wall Street appeal. These include:

• Introducing a $9.99 per month “Investor Mode”which adds no new features but puts a tiny top hat on your profile picture.

• Renaming servers to “Cloud-Based Monetization Hubs.”

• Replacing all community moderators with unpaid interns trained to say, “We value your feedback” in 37 languages.

Despite turning off the platform entirely, the IPO filing claims Discord has “1.7 billion Daily Active Sentiments,” a new metric measuring how much people missDiscord while it's offline.

Market analysts are cautiously optimistic. “It’s a brilliant move,” said fintech analyst Morgan Goldmann of the hedge fund Diamond Hands United. “By erasing itself from existence temporarily, Discord has made scarcity part of its brand. It’s the Beanie Baby strategy of 2025.”

Investors have expressed excitement at the chance to finally profit from the thing that kept them sane during the pandemic. “I can’t wait to invest in the platform where I met my fiancé, three enemies, and an AI who roleplays as a sentient toaster,” said longtime user @eGirlOnTheEdge.

Critics, however, question whether Discord can handle the pressures of being a public company."Wall Street expects profit," said tech journalist Ava Byte."Discord expects you to pay $4.99 to react with a Pepe emoji. There may be a mismatch."

Still, the company remains unfazed.

When asked what users can expect once the IPO is complete, Citron smiled and said, “Don’t worry, Nitro will soon come with exclusive access to your own data.It’s called Discord Premium+™.”

Shares of Discord ($DISC) begin trading next week on the New York Stock Exchange, assuming the company remembers to turn the servers back on.

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