Software Engineer Enters Seventh Circle of Hell: The IT Request Ticket System
SAN FRANCISCO — Local software engineer Jason Wilkins, 32, has entered what experts are calling "a Kafkaesque nightmare" after submitting an IT request to have his development environment updated. Sources confirm that what should have been a simple fix has now spiraled into a bureaucratic odyssey rivaling the plot of an ancient Greek tragedy.
At the heart of this saga lies T.I.C.K.E.T. (Technological Inquiry & Compliance-Keeping Efficiency Tool), a request system allegedly designed to streamline IT support but widely believed to be a sentient labyrinth created to test the limits of human patience. According to company legend, T.I.C.K.E.T. was first implemented in 2003 by an intern who mistyped a single line of code, inadvertently summoning an eldritch helpdesk entity that now feeds on unresolved issues and broken spirits.
Wilkins’ journey began on Monday when he submitted a request ticket labeled "URGENT: Need Environment Access to Work" at precisely 9:04 a.m. Within minutes, T.I.C.K.E.T. automatically downgraded it to "Low Priority" with a cheerful confirmation email reading, “We’ve received your request and will respond within 5-7 business years.”
By Wednesday, after receiving no response, Wilkins attempted the ancient ritual of "following up" by commenting on the ticket. This provoked an automated response from IT Support stating, “Your ticket has been marked as ‘In Progress’ and reassigned to someone who left the company in 2019.”
Desperate, Wilkins escalated the issue by tagging multiple IT personnel in a Slack channel, an act some experts call "a grave and reckless move." IT specialist Greg Harper, known internally as the Gatekeeper of Permissions, replied with a mysterious riddle: “Have you tried restarting?”
Following several weeks of unanswered emails, duplicated tickets, and a mandatory IT training course titled "How to Submit Tickets That Will Still Be Ignored", Wilkins finally received a response from IT at 4:57 p.m. on a Friday. The message simply read: “Could you clarify?”
By Monday morning, the ticket had been automatically closed due to inactivity.
Determined to escape the clutches of T.I.C.K.E.T. once and for all, Wilkins made the only logical decision: resign from his job and get rehired to receive a new laptop by default.
Unfortunately, upon submitting his resignation, he was promptly ensnared in the equally feared H.I.R.E. (Human Inquiry & Recruitment Efficiency) System, which responded with “Your request is very important to us. Estimated response time: Indefinite.” Wilkins is now trapped in a purgatory of automated emails, duplicate background checks, and a never-ending stream of onboarding paperwork, proving once and for all that true escape is impossible.