Pentagon Accidentally Adds Journalist to Secret War Group Chat, Regrets Everything

WASHINGTON, D.C.– In what experts are calling "the greatest whoopsie-daisy in national security history," top U.S. officials mistakenly included The Atlantic’s editor-in-chief Jeffrey Goldberg in a group chat discussing classified military operations in Yemen.

According to sources, the group chat—hilariously titled "Strike Force Supreme 💥🔥"—was meant to coordinate airstrikes against Houthi militants. Instead, it ended up providing Goldberg with a front-row seat to discussions on missile deployment, precise attack timings, and, most shockingly, an animated GIF of Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth giving a thumbs-up over an explosion.

Initially, officials didn't realize the breach, assuming Goldberg was just "some intern who got added by mistake." However, when he responded with, "Uh, should I be seeing this?" followed by a nervous sweating emoji, panic set in.

“It’s definitely not ideal,” admitted one senior defense official, speaking under conditions of anonymity and profound embarrassment. “We usually conduct our top-secret war planning on secure channels, but, you know, WhatsAppSignal has such great emojis.”

Security experts are now raising concerns about the use of commercial messaging apps for sensitive government discussions. Analysts warn that foreign hackers, rogue states, and even Twitter’s community notes feature could potentially expose even more blunders.

In response to the incident, the Pentagon has announced sweeping reforms, including a mandatory tutorial on "How to Group Chat Responsibly" and a ban on using the"🔥" emoji in official government communications.

Meanwhile, Goldberg has since left the chat but remains haunted by the final message he saw before exiting:"Wait… who invited this guy?!"