TikTok to Sell U.S. Operations; Bidding War Erupts Between Spirit Halloween, RadioShack, and Elon Musk in a Hat

Silicon Valley, CA — In a move that shocked absolutely no one paying attention, TikTok announced it will sell its U.S. operations amid government pressure to divest over "national security concerns" and, possibly, because Congress finally Googled what TikTok actually is.

The short-form video giant released a statement early Friday:

“We remain committed to our mission of making people dance in grocery store aisles. But due to regulatory challenges, we're seeking a proud new American owner who understands the sacred art of thirst traps and recipe hacks.”

The Bidders: America’s Best and Boldest (and Weirdest)

So far, the potential buyers include an eclectic cast of suitors, none of whom appear to have read the user manual.

Spirit Halloween has offered a competitive bid, promising to turn TikTok into a seasonal pop-up social media platform. “Imagine a platform that’s only active from September to November,” said a spokesperson wearing a ‘Sexy Algorithm’ costume. “It’s perfect for spooky dances and disappearing trends.”

TikTok will have "all the spooky dances" you need, if Spirit Halloween's corporate development team wins out.

RadioShack, having recently rediscovered its Twitter password and will to live, emerged from the ashes like a confused phoenix. “We know social media,” said a RadioShack rep. “We were the original influencers—selling resistor kits to middle school science fairs since 1921.”

Then there’s Elon Musk, who reportedly placed a bid by firing a Nerf dart at a wall labeled “Companies I Might Buy Next.” Sources say Musk plans to integrate TikTok into X (formerly Twitter, currently a live-action soap opera), and rename it “XTok.” According to leaked texts, he also floated the idea of making all videos 42 seconds long "for symmetry."

Meta, meanwhile, attempted to make a counteroffer but was denied when it submitted a check made entirely of Reels and unprompted AI stickers.

Oracle's Involvement: They're Back?

Oracle, which nobody invited but somehow always shows up, is rumored to be exploring a bid in partnership with someone’s uncle who still thinks TikTok is a clock app. “We once almost bought TikTok in 2020,” Oracle said in a press release. “And like any good boomer, we’re not giving up on our past failures.”

Gen Z Reacts: “As Long As It’s Not LinkedIn”

TikTok users across the U.S. took to the platform to express their concern through interpretive dance and passive-aggressive lip-syncing. One viral video captioned, “If LinkedIn buys TikTok, I’m becoming Amish,” has over 4 million views.

Meanwhile, politicians have promised to “keep TikTok out of enemy hands,” which analysts believe means “anyone under 35.”

What's Next?

The sale is expected to finalize in Q3 of this year, unless it’s delayed by lawsuits, Elon’s whims, or the general collapse of reality.

In the meantime, TikTok influencers are scrambling to back up their careers on more stable platforms—like BeReal, which is now mostly just a silent art gallery of existential despair.